Some time ago i left a post on this blog in which i happily and scornfully discarded my former faith in yahweh. the post comprised mostly the fourth stanza of Edgar Allen Poe's poem The Bells to eulogize this deity. i want to add a new dimention to my aposticy. this is a morning song sung by the graveside of god. No! Do Come Back
With all thy tortures!
To the last of all that are lonely
Oh, come back!
All my tear-streams run
Their course to thee:
All my heart's final flame
Flares up for thee!
Oh, Come back,
My unknown God! My pain! My last-happiness!

I am writing this blog because i have to say something. it is not possible for me to believe in god again. the pain, the loneliness, the sadness will never be enough. it is not for lack of spurring messages of pain that the almighty might use to cause me to repent. there is no possibility of repentence for me. i CANNOT believe again. I witnessed the death of God. i was there when he passed away and i do not wish for him to be resurected again. this is an impossibility. I was one of the murderers of God and cannot have him live again. he cannot live again. he saw too much. us men, how can we allow this all witnessing witness to survive. it will always come down to his survival or ours, and we will not let him live again. this places me in a sadder place than all your lonely nights of "waiting to hear his voice" if you stop waiting for me to 'come back' perhaps there can be a future in discorse for us. but it starts with your understanding of my very real possition, i may commit suicide, or i may leave god in his grave but the two of us cannot live together.